They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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