Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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