remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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