Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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