yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
