I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
