i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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