Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
