smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
