i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
