i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I didn't notice because vodka
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
