so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
