I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
