He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
