if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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