Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
