Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How does one acquire holy water?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
PANTIES FOUND
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