Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
