Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
