Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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