I could make wine with my vomit
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
