If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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