I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
