since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
