First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
