well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
