Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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