You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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