i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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