My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
