If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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