Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
