Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
