Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
