I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
