Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
