I murdered the dance floor call the cops
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
