She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
