there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
