I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
