after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
