I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
