2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
