i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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