ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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