Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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