A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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