we have officially mastered the walk of shame
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
