yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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