We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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