yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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