I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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