so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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